I've been feeling pretty good about myself the past couple days... no obvious flesh attacks, but listening to Sean preach the evening service, I started feeling like a know-it-all inside so I quickly talked to God about it. Then, God used Sean to talk straight to my heart and it was tempting to ask him afterward if he had me in mind talking about pride and the flesh, and feeling pretty good about ourselves. The last worship song was all it took for me to start feeling overwhelmed by God's love for me, receiving from Him such instantaneous forgiveness (sometimes I try hiding for a couple days or so, sewing up fig leaves to hide my shame). As I was opening my heart with repentance, this is what I saw:
14 years ago I shook my fist at God and in cursing vernacular told Him I didn't want to have anything to do with Him, and saying, "I quit."
That jet propelled me into a dark tunnel that lasted for the next 5 years. When I came back to the LORD (2005), I pleaded with Him to never let me go into that place of darkness again. God allowed me to see the murderous spirit I harbored and nurtured, during that time, toward a banker in Cincinnati, OH.
I have seen the evil of my flesh and the deception in my heart. I know there is no sin I am incapable of if taken into that place of hate without God at my side.
Tom and I experienced predatory lenders, organized crime, evil oppression and great darkness after stepping into the arena of our legal system. We spent six years in that arena and acceptable descriptive words for that experience escape me. We sued the 4th largest bank in the US, filing a Complaint: Six Counts of Conspiracy. We prevailed but not before we lost our original attorney and our Complaint was whittled down to Breach of Contract. Though we prevailed, it was very, very unsatisfying. In the end, not one person was indicted for their crimes. And the practices of these bankers were not made public. We had an inside glimpse of the workings of this big bank (1996-2005) feeding their greed by passing paper and money back and forth amongst themselves and the incredible corruption of attorneys bought off, etc. It was only recently that the Father revealed to me that if we had been able to continue with the Complaint of Conspiracy Lawsuit, our attorney would have been murdered.
Therefore, I derive great comfort in knowing God's wrath will be poured out on the whole earth at the very end of this age, that He is a righteous Judge returning as The vengeful, Almighty King. And I will be at His side. I know He prepares a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
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Wow! I'll need to process this a little bit but I do know that I am thankful that it is God that I (and every other man) will stand before, that every knee will bow to Him, and that all will see Him as just and righteous. I am also thankful that He has already won the battle. We know how it ends!!!!!
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